Young Lust, First Lust. Sweet Devotion.
I really hate the phrase 'back in the day'. I think it is a tired, over-used phrase and if there is one thing I really hate it is tired, over-used phrases. The problem is, when it comes to describing the period of time I need to refer to, I can't think of a more appropriate phrase. The phrase is in fact so perfect a description for this period of time, I'm almost tempted to say it is 'the best thing since sliced bread.'
In this case 'back in the day' refers to the sixties. You may be wondering why a guy my age would be writing about the sixties on a sex themed web site. Heck, I was only six when Jimi Hendrix took the stage at Monterey during the Summer Of Love. It would be years before I would see any residual benefits from the sexual revolution and free love. I was more concerned with learning the colors of the fat crayons that sat before me on my school desk than any sexual moves. The language of love was still a foreign tongue to me and I lacked the benefit of a Rosetta Stone or even a Berlitz manual. I did however, find girls attractive in a non-sexual sort of way. As would be the pattern throughout my life, each 'relationship' was a learning experience.
Sometime in grammar school I found myself quite attracted to a young lady I shared a class with. Again, it was a somewhat non-sexual sort of attraction as I recall, though I found myself quite captivated by her beauty. One thing I learned during this period of time is to never let your fellow classmates know who you find attractive as they will abuse you in ways you never could have imagined.
Fifth grade was a bit different. By this time the girls were becoming a bit sexually aware, it was us guys who were lagging behind. Us guys were also lagging behind size wise, as most of the girls were about a foot taller or at least seemed that way. I can recall one girl in particular who sat directly in front of me. She would turn around during the day, usually when the teacher was busy writing on the board and proceed to knock all my books off my desk. I was later told this was a way for girls to get a guy's attention, though who would tell a girl this I'll never understand. I mean, a girl can borrow my car and wreck it and that would certainly get my attention. The point is, there is such a thing as good attention and bad attention. This to me was not good attention. After she knocked everything off my desk she would then fold her arms across her chest and give me this sort of 'what you gonna do about it boy' sort of look. The problem was, what could I do? She was about a foot taller than me and frankly I was scared. The one thing I learned from all this was to put my books on the floor when I got to school. After all, that is where they would end up anyway.
Sixth grade would prove to be a whole different animal. Kate was a new girl in my class. I never did find out if she was new in the school or if I just never shared a class with her before. I think I would have noticed if she had been in the same school prior to sixth grade. Kate was one of those girls who seemed to develop a bit faster than the other girls. Blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs and real breasts. To say I was smitten would be an understatement. Smitten is simply not a strong enough term.
Looking back, it is really a wonder I passed the sixth grade. I hung on Kate's every move. I made it a point to be anywhere I thought she would be. I kept glancing her way, as she sat to my right over by the wall, as the teacher continued on quite unaware at the chalk board. For the first time, I did not want to walk home from school with my male friends. I wanted to walk home with Kate. I would walk home with her whenever I could, all the way to the point at which she turned off and went across town. In fact, I followed her around like a lost puppy dog, hanging on her every word and gesture as she went on about the latest movie she saw or whatever. I was captivated by the way the sun shone in her hair, the way her soft, pink lips pouted as she spoke, the way she glanced my way. I was becoming increasingly familiar with her smallest, most intimate gestures and I continually replayed them in my mind when she was not around.
It would of course, be impossible to really describe how much I yearned for Kate. I wanted her so bad, yet I was hardly naturally adept at the craft of seduction. At the time, I had no rich repertoire of words or killer seduction techniques to draw upon. I was like Magellan, set sail without a map or compass. I knew nothing about love. Heck, I would hardly call this young love. Young lust would be more appropriate.
It's not like I really had no clue about sex at this time. I knew the word sex meant more than whether you were a boy or a girl. In fact, my parents had borrowed a book from the local library called 'The Kid's Own XYZ Of Love And Sex'. If I recall, they tossed it in my room and closed the door quick. My parents were never big on communication. My best friend at the time and myself spent what seemed like hours studying it, so I did however know what went where. There were also those ten years of Playboy back issues that belonged to my friend's widowed father. It just seemed like getting to that point was a long way off, sort of like hitchhiking over forty miles of unpaved road.
I really began to understand the depth of my ignorance one day when I snuck up behind Kate and grabbed her breasts from behind. If I close my eyes I can still feel the pain from when she slugged me, but I undoubtedly deserved it. Somehow, it had seemed like the thing to do at the time.
As time went on and the school year accelerated to a close, my yearning for Kate only got stronger. As much as I longed for her, I did not always feel the attraction was mutual. I could not however, get her out of my mind. Just thinking of her seemed to make the very color and texture of the world change into a warmer and fairer place.
The end of the school year finally approached and the last time I saw Kate was at a sixth grade graduation party hosted by the parents of a fellow student. As usual, I was engrossed by her presence. I don't think it went unnoticed. When the party came to an end, Kate stunned me by suggesting that we keep in touch. I can't recall exactly what I said, but I'm sure I did manage to mutter something unintelligible.
That summer began one of the most difficult periods of my life. I continued to think about Kate on a daily basis and she was the chief subject of my thoughts at the time. I recall having my first orgasm while rolling around on the bed thinking about her. I recall thinking about her and how we could start a family and the whole nine. I know now it was merely an infatuation, but I knew nothing else at the time. I just knew it felt good fantasizing about her and it seemed so right.
My sexual maturity coincided with another difficult time in my life. My parent's marriage and hence the family, were falling apart. There was quite a bit of fighting and name calling going on in the house at this time. My mother was cheating on my father and vice versa. They had stopped sleeping together and the whole situation was rough, to say the least. I took it quite hard and was becoming physically ill from the stress. It was like being eaten alive from the inside out. My only escape seemed to be to fantasize about Kate, which I did often.
My start of junior high in September was not the joyous occasion I had imagined. Kate lived on the other side of town and ended up at a different school. Although I was surrounded by more attractive young girls than I could imagine, I could not get Kate out of my mind. As I sat in class, I often found myself looking off to the right expecting to see her sitting there against the wall. I was like a lost puppy, with no one to follow around.
Although I was without Kate, I didn't dare start a relationship with someone else. I simply didn't want to share the pain I was going through with anyone else. My internalizing my pain wasn't exactly doing me any good though. It was just that the infighting in my family was not something I wanted to expose anyone else to at this time. The problems at home only added to my insecurities I felt as an adolescent. I was really starting to reach a breaking point.
I thought about Kate and how much I missed her. Months had gone by without her leaving my mind. She was invading my every dream at night. I thought about how understanding and compassionate she seemed, particularly after an incident in which another student in our sixth grade class had lost a parent in an accident. And she did suggest we keep in touch. I thought about it for some time. What would I say? Suppose she found someone new? Suppose she doesn't want anything to do with me and my problems? Suppose she forgot who I was? I thought about everything that could go wrong until I just made myself sicker than I was.
Finally, I picked up the phone and dialed her number.
"Hello." A female voice answered.
"Hello, Kate?" I hesitated.
"No, this is her mother." The voice stated, "Who's calling?"
"This is Alan." I added, "From school."
I was so nervous as her mother went to get Kate on the phone. I was sweating profusely, but somehow felt more alive than I ever had before.
Kate finally came to the phone, after what seemed like a long eternity. I was elated. Not only did she seem glad I had called, but we spoke for what seemed like hours filling each other in on every event of the last few months. There was much laughter punctuating the conversation and my incredible newfound joy gave way to desire. My want for her was like a low-down burning ache in the gut. I didn't just want to see her again, I needed to. When she agreed to see me again, my elation touched every cell in my body. I hoped she felt it too.
When I finally did see her again, my joy seemed boundless. The expression on her face assured me she was glad to see me too. The sight of Kate in the afternoon sunshine with the sun glistening in her hair and reflecting off her seductively parted lips sent jolts of electricity throughout my body from my hair to my toes. It was if I was caught in a sensual spell from which I had no desire to escape. Not that I could have if I tried. If anything, Kate had truly blossomed into a woman in the time since I last saw her. Before the summer I would have thought there could be nothing more attractive than the way Kate looked. Now, the sight before me proved me wrong. She had become gorgeous beyond my wildest imagination.
After the usual pleasantries, I told her how nice it was to see her. I remarked how good she looked. She leaned forward as she spoke and seemed to offer her hand. I grabbed it and with the other lightly stroked her cheek with the back of my hand. I sensed a glint in her eye, a hunger that needed to be fed. I leaned in and took possession of her lips with mine as if I was trying to take possession of the sweet words emanating from her delicious mouth. Every nerve was alight with desire as my tongue did a quivering dance across her lips that sent the tip of her tongue nervously chasing it. After a moment, she seemed to step back in hesitation. The fact that I had got as far as that sent my mind to newfound heights.
From that moment on life would never be the same again. Kate and I became nearly inseparable. We weren't just friends, we were best of friends. We went everywhere together and with our families. We went to the movies when one of our parents was nice enough to drive us. Sitting alone with her close in a dark theater with the light from the screen flickering in her big blue eyes is something that I will never forget. We watched horror movies on the old black and white TV in the back room of her parents house, our bodies huddled close as our own skin to skin contact generated sweat in the summer heat. I could feel her breath in the darkness of that room as we shared a pizza or a soda. We gradually increased the depths of our explorations as satin smooth skin gave way to hungry fingers. Every inch of newly exposed flesh was territory that needed to be explored and I was always the willing explorer.
The summer after seventh grade was one that I have fond memories of. Although my own home life left a lot to be desired, Kate's parents had a house down the shore. As anyone who lives along the coast can tell you, a house down the shore in the summer time is a real good thing. I was often invited down with the family, joining Kate, her sisters and her brother. Kate's father seemed to like me, at least he gave me sly glances which at the time I took as a sign of approval. Her brother always seemed to be off doing his own thing, most likely sneaking into a local bar. Kate and her sisters sometimes had 'makeup parties' at the shore house where they would do each other's hair and nails and the like. I don't think any of them ever realized how exciting it was to watch the girls sit around in their skimpy summer outfits and paint their nails, often with their legs crossed. Kate's sisters always seemed to have boys around and as we all walked hand in hand down the boardwalk, I sincerely doubt there was ever a prouder young teenager anywhere in the world than myself.
One night I can recall distinctly. It was towards the end of the summer and I was staying with Kate and her family at the shore house for the weekend. Kate and I were in a spare room watching TV. We had shared a pizza and were tired from the food and summer heat. We had fun as we fed each other pizza and I was captivated as the cheese formed a string from the slice to those luscious lips. It was a rather joyous time, but exhaustion took it's toll and we were soon asleep in each other's arms shortly after nightfall. A little while later we were awoke by a sound outside. We both quickly awoke and realized the sound was nothing to concern ourselves with. What did get both our attention was my apparent arousal, clearly visible through my pants. I was a bit embarrassed, as Kate and I had done our share of sexual exploring but had yet to really go all the way. I quickly left and went to my room, but I could detect a bit of a grin on Kate's face. Nothing was said about it between us for the rest of the summer.
The end of the summer finally did arrive, though it was not something I looked forward to. Kate and I had a great summer down the Jersey shore. It was a time in my life I hoped would never end. I have to say that Labor Day weekend was particularly exciting. There was an undeniable electricity in the air and we were lucky enough to be a part of it.
The scene down the shore will always remain vividly in my mind. The sun shone brightly the entire weekend. Newly washed cars lined the streets double parked on some blocks. Young adults, perhaps a bit too loud from youth and beer, roamed the boardwalk in packs with a certain bravado. Most were smiling and laughing as they walked hand in hand or with their girlfriends on their arm. The guys exhibited a well-rehearsed swagger as they displayed their girlfriends proudly for all to see. I could relate. They seemed to be talking my language.
As I strolled the boardwalk with Kate, I noticed other guys casting admiring glances her way. Sometimes they would turn around to take a second look. 'Sorry, but she belongs exclusively to me,' I said silently to myself. For a time, the world seemed to be a happy, loving place.
Later that weekend there was a barbeque at Kate's parent's shore house. I remember it well as I am sure I always will. The sun shone brilliantly in the bright blue sky casting reflections upon the ocean waves. Kate's sisters were walking around with their boyfriends in tow. The couples seemed inseparable. The adults did their thing, huddled around the beer keg or playing horse shoes. Creedence Clearwater Revival blared from a portable Panasonic eight-track player. The smell of hot dogs and burgers on the grill mingled with the salty air. Kate walked around in her new white two-piece bathing suit showing off her shapely legs and thighs. Her breasts strained against her bathing suit top. The flames shooting up from the grill were not the only thing hot that day.
As the day wore on, the heat and the beer seemed to be taking their toll on the adults. Kate's sisters were nowhere to be found and her brother never showed in the first place. Kate and I held hands as the adults sat around on the deck playing cards. They seemed quite absorbed in their game and really did not pay us any mind. Suddenly Kate tugged on my hand as she cast a sly smile my way. I took it to mean only one thing.
As she led me into the shore house and up to her room on the second floor my heart began to race. My mind was racing out of control. As I looked her up and down, I so wanted to possess her, staking my claim of ownership of that gorgeous young body.
Our lips met as I captured her mouth with a swift, urgent necessity. Our tongues flickered and slid in a wild rolling caress, an erotic dance of hungry heat. She was purring like a well-stroked kitten as the swollen globes of her breasts nudged softly against my bare chest. As our tongues continued to explore, I wanted to take her over completely.
I continued on my journey wishing only to stake my claim to every inch of unknown turf. I removed her top revealing her perfect, young breasts. As I made my way down with my fingers and tongue, she began to shudder and pulse beneath my touch. There was a hot, feverish frenzy of mutual desire threatening to spiral out of control. The lust was building up like a kettle about to boil. It was bubbling like a cauldron beneath the surface, threatening to explode in explosions of sheer pleasure. First lust about to unfold in all it's glory.
I resumed kissing her luscious lips, as our kisses lingered tongue tip to tongue tip. I shimmied down her bathing suit bottom which ended in a soft pile on the floor. I was unwrapping every layer like opening a precious gift at Christmas time delighting in what lies beneath. As her bathing suit fell to the floor, the last flimsy barrier to her complete nudity was gone. As I once again surveyed the glorious site before me, it seemed as if the dam broke and the floodgates of desire broke free. The heat of the evening was exceeded only by the heat of our own passions.
As I made my way through the darkness, my moves took on a new urgency. Ours was not a skilled merger, more of a groping. We were groping like a blind man walking through a maze at midnight. We were riding a streetcar named Desire, our drivers were youth and curiosity.
She was writhing with excitement, every move of mine, every touch elicited a response that was at once new and exciting. When we finally merged as one, there was an electrifying force engulfing every sense and shutting down my brain. It was a passion and pleasure I had never before experienced, the heat emanating from those luscious thighs overtaking my every conscious thought. She willingly accommodated me in my reckless abandon. For one grand, glorious moment everything else in the Universe seemed trivial. Nothing else mattered. For a time, I was the proudest man on the planet. And a man I was. No climber of Mount Everest could ever have felt so high. No deep-seated feeling of satisfaction could compare. I basked in my glory.
Then suddenly it all changed. All my deep-seated insecurities seemed to return with a vengeance. I began to wonder if I had really given her any satisfaction at all. All my old self-doubts returned to haunt me, plus a host of new ones. The girl that I would have spent my life with days ago, I suddenly never wanted to see again. Sweet devotion turned sour.
Kate and I continued to see each other for some time, but I began to grow distant. I never really did express my feelings to her. I will however, never forget my time with Kate. My thoughts of her will remain with me as if they were tattooed on my soul. I will, of course, never forget that Labor Day weekend on the Jersey shore. So long ago, back in the day.
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